New Theory about Women :

1. To find a woman you need time and money therefore:

women = time x money ............@



2. " Time is money " so

time = money ...........................@



3. Therefore:

women =money x money

women = ( money )^2 ............@


4. "Money is the root of all problems "

money = ( problems )^1/2 ......@



5. Therefore:

women = (problems)^2/2








P.S
Hey girls out there, this is just for fun,
Now don't get angry and create any problem to prove that this theory is correct....
:)

Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Bangkok .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?


Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."


Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.


Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.


1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?


Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.



Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a good old barber in Hyderabad. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a Community Service.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there ......




A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... With Printouts of the Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut!

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tution: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement

Conclusion : The world is not far..... Don't make mistake
:)

Dating process:

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:

6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:

6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:

6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself


Unknown source

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for Over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.


Try to do so without any coaching!


1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

Source : Thanks from email's my friend

1. If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

5. Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7. I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8. Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

9. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

10. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

13. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

15. A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16. If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17. Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

Source : Indian child

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....

A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.

Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.

Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.

Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.

One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.

Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.

Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.

Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.

Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.

The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.

In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.

Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.

What is marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say:
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Tele-marketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride
You then say:
"By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says:
"You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say:
"I'm rich. Marry me."
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......

AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT !!!!!!!

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

The following questions....

1. What programming language is GOOGLE developed in?
2. What is the expansion of YAHOO?
3. What is the expansion of ADIDAS?
4. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?
5. What is expansion of "ICICI?"
6. What does "baker's dozen" signify?
7. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot - India 210/3 with
Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?
8. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two different countries?
9. From what four word expression does the word `goodbye` derive?
10. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
11. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?
12. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?
13. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?
14. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from international
cricket and later represented Zimbabwe ?
15. The faces of which four Presidents are carved at Mt.Rushmore?
16. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by only one country
(other than Vatican )?
17. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?


HERE ARE THE ANSWERS

1. Google is written in Asynchronous java-script and XML, or its acronym Ajax ..
2. Yet Another Hierarchy of Officious Oracle
3. ADIDAS- All Day I Dream About Sports
4. Satellite Television Asian Region
5. Industrial credit and Investments Corporation of India
6. A baker's dozen consists of 13 items - 1 more than the items in a normal dozen
7. That match was abandoned after people heard the news of Indira Gandhi being killed.
8. Rabindranath Tagore who wrote national anthem for two different countries one is Indian
's National anthem and another one is for Bangladesh- (Amar Sonar* *Bangla)
9. Goodbye comes from the ex-pression: 'god be with you'.
10. Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu is none other Mother Teresa.
11. South Korea ..
12. Because 007 is the ISD code for Russia (or the USSR , as it was known during the cold war)
13. Geoffrey Boycott
14. John Traicos
15. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln
16. Lesotho surrounded from all sides by South Africa ..
17. Polo.